Cats: 8 Tips on how to train your human
It’s an ongoing task for most of us cats. Cats have rules that must be obeyed, but alas, humans are incredibly dull-witted and slow to learn them. We asked some of our more experienced furry friends to share their experiences with us, and here are the best of their best teaching methods.
1. Patience is a virtue when training your human. Consistency is necessary and repetition is vital. Start with the ‘I want to go out’ game. Sit at the door and cry until your human opens the door for you. Enter halfway into the doorway, pause to wash your face, then execute a one-eighty turn and head for the kitchen, ignoring your human’s vocalizations. Repeat frequently throughout the day and evening. She will enjoy this game!
2. If you have to throw up, run, don’t walk to the upholstered antique sofa or the Persian rug, and never use a washable surface. Most humans are pretty fastidious about fur balls and such, and they really enjoy cleaning up after you.
3. Be sure you get enough rest, as most of your energy will be devoted to coaching your human. Do most of your sleeping during the day so you can be alert at night. Do your best to keep your human awake. Curl up around their head, lick their ears or pounce repeatedly on the lumps under their blankets. Use caution here however, as being overzealous or too vocal can result in your being banned from the bedroom.
4. The art of the surprise human attack is an important skill set you will want to hone. Watch for the best opportunities to startle your human. The stairs are a good bet, particularly when your human is carrying a laundry basket or groceries. Dark bathrooms work well too – hide behind the shower curtain then pounce once your human is seated on the water chair. Causing them to stumble and/or fall is your goal, as humans welcome the chance to improve their coordination.
5. If your human won’t share her toys with you, just take them. Car keys, cell phones and reading glasses fall into this category.
6. Bring her your fresh kill and watch her dance and sing!
7. Never beg for food – it’s beneath your dignity. Instead, roam the dining table and sit on as many dinner plates as you can manage. If there are water glasses, be sure to drink from them. It’s also fun to drop kitty chow into those glasses. Humans are sneaky – they will pretend they dislike this behaviour, but secretly they love it, as their squeals of delight will confirm.
8. Finally and perhaps most importantly, always keep your human in her place. Remember, she is only here for three basic reasons – to feed you, to clean up after you and to love you. Never let her forget who is in charge. It’s permissible to show her affection once in a while, but keep it to a minimum lest she think she is in control.
Be vigilant - humans can be trained, but it’s very hard work!
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